Thirty – the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair. 

Dude, I’m 30. Turning 30 was a journey that took me from lamenting WHERE HAVE MY YOUTH AND KNEES GONE to crying about the loss of those, and a decade, to debauchery on an all too cliche trip to Joshua Tree.

And then I realized, man, heck with it. My youth isn’t gone, it’s still here! I’m just the jerk who turned his back on it!

So I’ve decided, to live like a 13-year-old again. The rules are simple and if we follow them we’re bound to be as happy as we were at 13.

– Don’t drink (too much). You probably didn’t when you were 13, so you shouldn’t now. You’ll start looking closer to like you did back then, too.

– Play outside, every day. I liked computers and stuff as a kid, but there wasn’t a day that I wouldn’t stay on the playground after school to play soccer or basketball. Do it now, you have time. Lost will still be there when you come home exhausted and happy. Play outside!

– Eat what you want. Yes yes, metabolisms change, but you don’t have to eat the whole bag of Doritos or drink a whole 12-pack of Coke. Tell that vegan health nut or GNC employee in your life where to stuff it if they tell you that you can’t have a bit though. You’re 13 and they’re not your parents!

– Question Everything, and Go To School Every Day. If you aren’t learning, you’re losing. Learn a new thing every day.

– Listen to your mom and dad. You might be 30, but they still probably know better.